ISSUE 10 Volume 99 ROSEVILLE CA
OCTOBER 10, 1999
Associated Press couldn't sell it to anyone else, so:
Exclusive to Snakebites!!
AP--Dateline: Toonapoona, R.O.D.
The capitol of this remote country is a strange place to find the logo
of a
huge American corporation, but the facts are undeniable: The Union
Pacific
has a presence here--in a big way--on the dusty plains of central
Asia.
Formed in the aftermath of the Soviet Union's disintegration in 1991,
the
Republic of Dirtbagistan is rapidly becoming a second home to many
cutting
edge UP managers. But UP's not here to showcase its first- class
railroading
ability, it's here to help the government get the country moving
on the
right track.
The President of Dirtbagistan, Ike Evans (no relation to UP's own Ike
Evans),
hit the nail on the head when he summed up the reasons for choosing UP
management to run the government. "Our people are simple,
crude,
unsophisticated. We need strong hands to help us whip things
into line. We
looked at many American companies before choosing UP, but the managers
from
what you railroaders call the "MOP" are really the best.
They understand
power, the use of fear and intimidation, and the need to keep everyone
under
constant surveillance. The work is tough, but for those who join
us, the
rewards are great.
These statements are echoed by Floyd Smoot, MTO from Uranus, Texas,
now
finance minister of Dirtbagistan. "Me and them other UP managers
are right
proud to be here. Them native types know who the boss is, and
hell, I can
sit in meetings with the best of them foreign college types."
Translators are provided for UP managers who have yet to learn
Dirtbagistan's
official language, which is English. Says Smoot:
"Hell, it ain't no big
deal, can't read anyway. Same goes for countin' , too. Like on
the UP,
when
I show these boys I'm a serious railroader type, they'll stand back
and let
me do the work."
Compensation is generous for UP management willing to take the plunge
into
Dirtbagistan. The local currency, known as the Spurm, is fully
convertible
into Disney World Gift Certificates or UP special shares, which are
convertible in the year 2075. Smoot likes the compensation
package, noting
that in addition to running the finances of the country, "I got
me a right
nice little local lady, fifty servants, a big ole spread right outside
town.
Dirtbagistan's my second home, after Uranus. Hell, with what
these
Dirtbaggis are paying me, I got more Spurm than I can manage!'
Dirtbagistan, the gross national product of which includes money
laundering,
budget planning, opium testing, hiding terrorists, and other lucrative
free-market activities, hopes that more MOPAC veterans will join the
government, especially the security forces. Incentives to join
up include
free servants, a late model white truck with complimentary railroad
radio, a
signing bonus of 50,000,000 Spurm, and a toaster oven.
Railroad management wholeheartedly approves of Dirtbagistan's efforts
to
recruit additional MOPAC personnel. There is even a special school for
malignant managers in Stockton, CA. UP President Ike Evans
observed, "We
need to show the world we can do things right. This
country's problems are
a lot like our railroad's, so I'm sure we can help them in a big way.
Our
track record speaks for itself." Dick Davidson, currently
in storage in a
meat warehouse in Omaha, could not be reached for comment.
Many local managers in California, where the company spotlight is
focused on
the constantly redefined success of the Roseville Hub, have expressed
great
interest in moving up the corporate ladder to Dirtbagistan.
Computer expert
Carl Bradley, who hired out with Floyd Smoot, is ready to make the big
move,
but could not locate the country on a map, having only recently
learned that
the world is round.
When asked about his plans to join the Dirtbagistani government,
Bradley
talked in grand terms about using computer programs based on the
superb
systems up and running in Roseville, to monitor the fitness club
attendance
and political affiliation of Dirtbagistani citizens.
Anyone would be proud of UP's efforts to share its success with the
less
fortunate in the global economy. Stay tuned for more information
as our
MOPAC managers do to Dirtbagistan what they've done to the UP.
------Boris
-------------------------------------------------------------------
QUOTE OF THE MONTH DEP'T
Larry Bossidy - CEO of Allied Signal Inc.:
"I've never seen a company that was able to satisfy its customers
which did
not also satisfy its employees. Your employees will treat your
customers no
better than you treat your employees."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Griever's Corner
Snakebites is growing by leaps and bounds, and I thank everyone for
their
support. Of course, we couldn't do it without the good old
UP. Never have
I seen a company, organization or other entity so set on
self-destruction
and
so incompetent that they couldn't even get that right!
Thanks Dick!
Thanks Ike! We couldn't do this without you guys.
Big-time stockholders visited the "crown jewel" last week.
Under the
watchful eye of local management they got the grand tour of our 21st
century
hump yard (gag) and went away somewhat impressed. Of course, they did
it on
a
rest day for the worst of the hell-raisers, but I hear they got an
earful
from some of our more outspoken switchmen. I only hope they
speak the
language. From what I saw, they don't even speak English. (Maybe
a job in
Dirtbagistan?)
Cars still mysteriously end up where they don't belong in the bowl, so
keep
your eyes open and BE SAFE.
Sarge
--------------------------------------------------------------
Language Lessons Dep't. Part 1
In honor of our new leader, and with great reservations, the
management
presents:
PUNKISMS: A lesson in language.
1. The Punk Zone- that moment in time, when you realize Punky's
really mad,
and, you might have said one word too many.
2. Punkyn' Idiots- leftover junior managers from the last regime.
3. Punk-in-Time- the cadence junior officers keep following Punky
around the
Super-Coop.
4. Punk Drunk- junior officers at their frenzied peak.
5. Punkyn' Head- Kangas Khan's new nick name.
6. Punkyfied- Todd Ray's dilemma.
7. Punkophile- M. Pollards keen interest in new hires.
8. Punkynstein- Willie Sweat on a bad hair day.
9. punkity-punkity-punkity- sound of new and quieter retarders, soon
to be
installed.
10. Punkyn' Humpyn'- that's what we'll be doing when they finally
raise the
hump.
11. UPRR- Uncle Punky's Railroad, and you better believe it!
12. Punkyn' Pie- that's what Uncle Punky gets in his face, if he can't
make
it work!!!
----------------------Thanks to the Accidental Boomer
WE GET LETTERS, Part1.
Sir, I got the following out of a trash can in El Paso. Thought
you'd like
it:
How to Run a Railroad into the Ground by Saving Money.
In an effort to reduce guarantee payments, CMS has severely reduced
every
extra board. It seems that extra board guarantee is part of the CMS
budget
and they have a mandate to reduce this budget item. Oh sure, now the
budget
for guarantee looks great! But what is the ripple effect?
The first victims are all the new kids who are cut-off. Of course, the
rub
is
that the "recruiting people" from UP made all those
outrageous promises
like,
"full employment, you'll be working ALL the time, money will be
coming out
your ears." So a lot of the new folk quit REAL jobs for the UP
"Pie-in-the-sky." Now they regret believing all the BS
spewed by those
recruiters and they have come to realize that most of what they hear
from UP
is pure BS. "Oh, UP, you certainly do have a knack for turning
untarnished,
bright, willing new employees into cynical, untrusting, angry
employees."
The kids that are financially destitute are now chasing their
seniority
hundreds of miles from home, living in their cars, eating baloney
sandwiches
while they try to find some place to land and get a few trips in.
Others
have
just thrown in the towel and are looking for work outside the railroad
industry.
More victims are those remaining bodies on the extra boards who are
getting
out on their rest (One only has to look at any extra board to see that
few
people are ever rested). People are literally being worked into the
ground.
This is an accident waiting to happen. Someone will eventually nod off
at
the
wrong time. Hey, but we're saving money, right Ike?
And of course, if you're out of extra people, CMS starts dropping pool
turns
or shoving the pool or calling people off assignment and generally
driving
crew dispatchers crazy as they try to fill positions. It also plays
havoc
with trying to figure out when you're going to get called which again
means
going to work without proper rest. In many places, they are calling
people
off the bump boards so often that they appear to be nothing more than
an
auxiliary extra board (with no guarantee, I'm sure those budget
bastards
planned on that.)
So what affect does this have on the service unit budgets? Well, when
you
are
out of extra bodies, you start robbing Peter to pay Paul so operating
costs
are going through the roof. The local operating folks are begging CMS
to add
bodies to the extra boards but CMS, in typical UP "Got my
blinders on, to
hell with your budget, I gotta watch mine" fashion, refuses.
Of course, according to CMS management, the root of all evil is those
"no
good, over-paid, worthless @#$%^&* who lay off on the
week-ends" that cause
all the problems. Well excuse my ignorance, but if you are a youngster
and
they are working your ass off because the boards are short, when are
you
going to lay off? Friday and Saturday night sound good to you?
Once again UP has proved that they do not care about their employees.
Please
send future issues of INFO Magazine to someone who believes your BS.
Yours truly,
Pissed Old Fart.
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Join Union Pacific Railroad... Where People are Proud to
Work." The theme
will be used throughout all UP recruitment advertising. Brochures are
being
finalized for each craft and will be used for recruiting with the Job
Services, Urban Leagues, colleges and other community sources. In the
college
recruiting area, UP will be represented at 35 colleges this year.
(From UP
internal messages)
---------------------------------------------------------------
WE GET LETTERS, Part 2
We on the BNSF would gladly send you an incompetent official to
correct the
problems at Roseville. He has had tremendous amount of experience in
hump
yard development and would surely like to return for a visit to the
UP/SP.
We
may suffer his loss but would surely like to help. Write Rob Krebs and
ask
for Dave Dealey, Vice President Operations. He singlehandedly
redesigned
Argentine Yard in KC, saving the BNSF millions while providing the car
forces
there more work (can't send more than one car down the hump at atime).
Plus
he developed a program that allowed the bowl crews early quits and OT.
Please write Krebs and ask for this manager, please.
JDF
OUR SPIES ARE EVERYWHERE DEP'T
63 TOP UP EXECS RIPPING OFF SHARES OF STOCK
(For obvious reasons our writer wishes to remain anonymous.)
It was announced last week that 63 UP executives are being handed one
million
Shares of UP stock with an interest-bearing loan from UP that requires
these
63 executives to pay back the loans and interest ONLY if the company's
financial performance does not reach certain targets over a scheduled
period
of time.
It would be appropriate for UPOnline to describe in exquisite detail
exactly
how the Company-financed stock purchase plan for 63 senior executives
will
benefit railroad operations and, most importantly, the employees in
the
trenches who actually make the railroad work. The most provocative
question,
of course, is "When will my stock options in UP Shares have any
value?"
Knowing that the 63 executives would be mortified if they actually had
to
pay
the principle and interest on such financing and that, therefore, they
will
do all possible to reduce operating expenses, one is at a loss to see
the
benefit to the railroad and, again, the employees.
Maintenance-of-Way budgets are being slashed 37%, so that means that
spot
track improvements (as opposed to planned production gang work) will
probably
fall by the wayside (so to speak) and with it, track speed and,
ultimately,
the dearly beloved concept of velocity. Crew starts have already been
reduced and it is expected that train starts are also going to be
slashed.
Given that the stock purchase plan is openly sanctioned by the Board
of
Directors, it would be fitting for any one or all to offer publicly
their
comments on the long-term prognosis for the railroad given the view
towards
short-term financial gain for 63 senior executives of the Company. It
would
be inspirational to the employees if UPOnline were to resume daily
publication of the value of 200 shares of UP common stock granted to
the
employees so that they can see that they are right in there
benefitting with
63 senior executives of the Company.
Of course, be assured the 63 senior executives purchased the UP stock
for at
least $55.00 per share because that is the value of the stock
"given" the
employees under the UP Shares program. The 63 senior executives are
probably
asking for a higher price, just to demonstrate their commitment to
Union
Pacific's financial well-being and to reassure the employees, who are
the
ones actually making the railroad work, that UP Shares is intended to
truly
benefit the employees who are working seven days per week, 14 hours
per day.
Employee morale in the trenches is non-existent and the anger and
frustration
is now being openly expressed. Of course, Joseph Goebbels had nothing
but
exhortations to greater glory for the German Sixth Army at the gates
of
Stalingrad and the German public had firm belief that victory against
the
Soviet hordes was within their grasp. It's funny how reality had a
different
end for that story. Whats not so funny is how UP management can be
viewed as
analogous to the Third Reich.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Announcement:
If everything goes as planned, SNAKEBITES will be online by the next
issue.
Those of you who now receive the ëbites by E-mail will be notified of
our
address on the net. We will also be linked to several
other sites. Hard
copies will still be available in Roseville.
EDITOR
--------------------------------------------------------------
SNAKEBITES is published as a public nuisance by the Roseville
Switchmen.
Any
attempt to make sense of the content of this newsletter is futile.
Subscriptions are free, but it'll cost 100 bucks to get your name off
our
mailing list.
LEAVE A COPY FOR THE NEXT CREW