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This chart lets you see the kinds of behavior abusers use to get and keep control over their partners. Battering is never an accident. It is an intentional act used to gain control over the other person. Physical abuse is only one part of a whole series of behaviors an abuser uses against his partner. Violence is never an isolated behavior. There are other forms of abuse. This chart uses the wheel as a symbol to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each spoke represents a tactic used to gain control or power, which is the hub of the wheel. The rim which surrounds and supports the spokes is physical abuse. It holds the system together and gives the abuser his/her strength.
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Could you be in an abusive relationship?
If
you answer yes to any of the questions below, you could be in
an abusive relationship, or your relationship could become
abusive. You might have answered 'yes' to some of
these questions, but still think 'it's not that bad'... but
feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the
way you should feel in a relationship. You should feel loved,
respected, and free to be yourself. Your feelings and safety
are important. It's not your fault if you are being
abused. You deserve to be treated with respect.
do you feel pressured by him/her when it comes to
sex?
are you scared of disagreeing with him/her?
does s/he criticize you, or humiliate you in
front of other people?
is s/he always checking up or questioning you
about what you do without him/her?
does s/he repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of
seeing other people?
does s/he constantly keep track of your time?
does s/he control all finances and force you to
account for what you spend?
does s/he tell you that if you changed s/he
wouldn't abuse you?
does his/her jealousy stop you from seeing
friends or family?
does s/he make you feel like you are wrong,
stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
has s/he ever scared you with violence or
threatening behavior?
do you often do things to please him/her, rather
than to please yourself?
does s/he prevent you from going out or doing
things you want to do?
do you feel that, with him/her, nothing you do is
ever good enough?
does s/he say that s/he will kill or hurt
him/herself if you break up with him/her?
does s/he make excuses for his/her abusive
behavior by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs or
because s/he can't control his temper, or that s/he was
'just joking'?
Abusers will often make you feel like you are to blame for
their behavior. You might think that if you try and change to
be more like what s/he wants you to be, then the
abuse will stop. But in a relationship, you should be able to
feel ok just being yourself and doing what you want to do.
What about what you want for yourself?
If you are in an abusive relationship, it is likely to get
worse over time. But you can't make your partner change
his/her behavior. S/he is the one who has to change his/her
attitude and accept responsibility for abusing you, and not
make excuses for his/her behavior. If this does not happen and
you want the violence to stop, then unfortunately, leaving
him/her might be your only choice.
