Family values
Introduction
Unreal
The liturgical calendar
always places a feast of the Holy Family on the Sunday between Christmas and
New Years. A mother once said to me, “For God's sake, don't say any of those yucky
and unreal things that are sometimes said from the pulpit on this feast. She
didn’t spell it out for me. I remember one of our friars who came from a very
dysfunctional family saying, "When the fathers go out to preach this feast
day, I wish they would hear what I hear!" He too didn’t spell it out. So I
am going to be careful and stick within my competency today, which isn’t very
great at all, in view of the fact that I’m kind of an outsider in this matter. I,
celibate priest, live only with a family of one dog, Simeon and one cat,
Mamasita (who never give me any trouble). On the other hand being a kind of
outsider might also be a little plus.
Those holy cards which present the holy family as problem
free aren’t very real. Joseph and Mary had their problems. Their future marriage almost fell through when Joseph, who knew
for sure that he wasn’t the father, noticed that Mary was pregnant. Scripture
says, “Joseph, being a just man, didn’t want to disgrace Mary publicly, so he
made plans to break the engagement secretly” (Mt
Family
values: a constitutional amendment
We still linger in the luster of the past presidential
elections in which family values figured in quite effectively. In fact, it’s
claimed that at the end of the day it was family values that won the election.
People are just fed up with the lack of values among us Americans these days. The
Islamists who attacked on us 9/11 were also fed up with our American moral
degeneracy. Always well-robed, Islamic extremists are fed up with all the naked
bodies that are splashed all over our American media. They purposely set their
sights on
Even Jerry Falwell, that great
champion of family values, saw 9/11 as the scourge of God’s anger upon our
sexual degeneracy. In
the wake of September 11, he spoke those oft-quoted words of his which he later
toned down a bit. “I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and
the feminists and the gays and lesbians (who are actively trying to make that
an alternative lifestyle) and the A.C.L.U. and the People for the
In a strategic move
President Bush, also a champion of family values, endorsed a constitutional
amendment banning gay marriages, for every child should have both a father and
a mother. According to our very own story of Christmas, Jesus, who was
virginally conceived (i.e., without a father), was nevertheless given a father,
Joseph, because even heaven knows, as the President knows, every child should
have both a father and a mother. The presidential endorsement of a
constitutional amendment banning gay marriages pleased a huge voting bloc that
felt the same way about family values and about our moral degeneracy.
At the end of the day these
hearty proponents of family values believe that the heart and soul of moral
degeneracy and the heart and soul of family values is all about sex. NO, IT IS
NOT ALL ABOUT SEX. It has everything to do with something greater than sex.
Family values: “I’m third”
We still linger in the
luster of Christmas Day. In this Christmas season when the Word of
God was made flesh and blood, we remind ourselves that the Word now is not a
word anymore; the Word now is flesh and blood. The Word is now a story, for
what are stories but words made flesh and blood. So at this time of the rolling
year, we speak not with words but with stories. We told a story about the Word
made flesh on Christmas Day. Today we will tell a story about family values
made flesh and blood, and it doesn’t have anything to do with sex.
Four years ago on 17th of December (I remember
the date well because it was the day the novena for Christmas began), a friend
in his late fifties, father of four and husband of a remarkable woman, was riding
his bike home on a mild day for December from one of the local hospitals where
he worked as a surgical nurses. He was suddenly struck by a car and from that
moment on was quite totally and irreversibly disabled.
Instead of handing that terrible disaster over to some
nursing facility, the family took full possession of it through a very
complicated arrangement that engaged the help of agencies, visiting nurses,
part-time hired help, and especially the contribution of a loving son and three
daughters and of an absolutely remarkable wife. All of them were fully committed
to taking their turn at the 24/7 care of their father and husband for four very
long years.
A friend and I went to visit the man who was but a shell
and shadow of his former self. During
the visit he drooled and grunted, mounted his wheelchair with help, and then
with help he quickly dismounted. With difficulty he lay down for a moment and
then suddenly struggled to get up. That had been going on for four very long years!
All the while his wife was there beside him with a hands-on presence that was
totally unselfconscious. Inconspicuously
present to her husband, she was very present to us as well. With a sparkle in
her eye and a kind of chuckle in her voice we talked about the good old days.
If there was an ounce of self-pity in her, she was a master at hiding it.
It was a relief to leave and get outside to exhale that
dense air of disaster. As we were leaving my friend said to the wife, “You’re a
wonderful inspiration for us all.” At the same time one of the lamentations of
the prophet Jeremiah, which the church places in the mouth of Jesus on Good
Friday, came to mind: “All ye who pass by the way, see whether there be any
sorrow like unto mine” (Lamentations 1:12). I found myself silently placing that
lamentation upon the lips of that remarkable wife and mother as we were bidding
her good-bye.
We drove home in a kind of awesome silence which we broke
only to say something worthwhile. We remarked about that woman’s mountain of
sorrow, that avalanche of snow on top of her, and about our little molehills we
build up into mountains. It doesn’t take long and you quickly recover from such
an experience, and you find yourself returning to business as usual—building
molehills again into mountains but with this difference: you do it now with a
little more guilt.
After four long years of
indefatigable tender loving care from his family and from countless others, he
died this past February. Both his remarkable story and his funeral were fully
featured in the Sunday newspaper. In the eulogy his son Al said, “My dad was a
special man. My parents hung a motto on the wall of the house I grew up in. It
captures the essence of how they raised us kids. It read, I am third. Those three
words prioritized everything for us kids. First comes the Lord Jesus, then
others, and finally ourselves.”
“I’m not first. I’m not second. I am third.” His parents raised him on that motto. Oh, how it paid
off. When disaster struck, the family motto kicked in, and it made everyone
third, and it made the father first for four very long years.
At the end of the day the
heart and soul of moral degeneracy is
not sex. It is “Me, me, me!” It is “I’m
first, I’m second and I’m third.” That’s moral degeneracy. At the end of the
day, the heart and soul of family values is not sex. It is “I’m not first, I’m
not even second, I am third, and you are first.”
Conclusion
A Christmas gift
It’s Christmas time. Give
your kids a gift: hang that motto on your kitchen wall. If with God’s help you
have them saying “I’m third,” then you can rejoice and be at peace. I tell you
they will be great successes in their lives no matter what happens. It’s Christmas time. Give yourself a gift.
With the help of God’s grace raise kids who will say “I’m third.” Then you can,
indeed, rejoice and be at peace because when hard days come upon you, as they
surely will especially in your declining years, you’ll find your kids saying
“You’re first!” And oh how blessed you will be!