Fatherhood—a Family Value
(Father’s Day,
To the church in the diaspora[1]
& to the church of the unchurched[2]
Introduction
The birth of
Father’s Day
William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was
widowed when his wife died in childbirth with their sixth child. He was left to
raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in
A family
value: fatherhood
When
Bill Clinton was moving out of the White House, the campaign rhetoric of some for
choosing the next president leaned heavily upon sexual integrity as an optimal family value “especially for the one
who is to occupy the Oval Office and be the leader of the free world.” Others
had their own list of family values, such as a good education for inner city kids, a decent family wage and good health insurance for all hard-working
citizens. Those values, they insisted, deserved at least equal time with
sexual integrity. On this Father’s Day 2007, and as the presidential election of
2008 is already well underway, we add another family value to their list: fatherhood.
Fatherlessness is the most significant family and social problem facing
Fathers—a
luxury option
A laid-back and cavalier attitude about fatherlessness has infiltrated our society. Years ago it infiltrated TV’s Murphy Brown show when it had Murphy Brown bearing a child alone and calling it a “lifestyle choice.” In a speech Vice-president Dan Quayle castigated the program for mocking the importance of fathers by celebrating the bearing of a child without a father. Quayle accused a pop culture of shrinking fatherhood right before our very eyes. He underscored the implied message: fathers, like luxury options in a car or ice-maker or refrigerator, are nice to have but you can get alone fine without them.
Fatherlessness
in the inner cities
No, fathers
aren’t just a luxury option. No, it’s not easy to get along fine without them. A statistical litany of horrors about
fatherless children in the inner city goes like this: Fatherless children are:
--Eight times more likely to go to prison.
--Five times more likely to commit suicide.
--Twenty times more likely to have behavioral problems.
--Twenty times more likely to become rapists.
--32 times more likely to run away.
--Ten times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
--Nine times more likely to drop out of school.
--33 times more likely to be seriously abused.
--73 times more likely to be fatally abused.
Though that statistical
nightmare is contested by some as myth or as exaggerated or as in need of qualifications,
it’s still a no-brainer to insist that it is very good for a child to have a father and for a mother
to have a partner to help her bring a new-born life to full bloom. The
city of
Fatherlessness in the suburbs
There’s
fatherlessness not only in the inner city but also in the suburbs. In
Columbine,
When Gary Rosberg, a family life expert, was
cramming for his doctoral thesis in counseling, his young daughter came into
his study and presented him with a sketch she had just drawn. She entitled it The Rosberg Family. He gave the picture
only a glance because he was knee-deep in his thesis. When the daughter left, he gave the sketch a
second glance. There he saw his wife Sarah, his other daughter Missy and the
family dog Katie. But no Dad! He called Sarah back and asked, "Honey,
where's Daddy?" "Oh," she said nonchalantly, "you're at the
library."
Not to be included in the family picture because he
was a spiritually absent father was for him, he said, a powerful moment of truth
and grace. There are physically absent fathers. There are also spiritually and emotionally
absent fathers who are knee-deep earning a degree or working hard for a promotion
or providing for more creature comforts or simply working innocently on
something that seems very important but is nowhere as important as being spiritually
and emotionally present to a son or daughter.
Fathers--not a luxury option
On
Dad, I recall at age 10 how frightened I was,
terrified really, that you were going to die. Just what would I do, how could I
live without my Dad? You were near death with a pulmonary condition. Many long
weeks were spent in the hospital. I prayed day and night for you to get well.
Many school recesses were spent in the chapel praying that the Blessed Mother would
bring you home. The day you returned
home, I was filled with elation…. Always told you, Dad, you had work to do. You
had to be my Dad.”
Dad, when you expressed doubts about your goodness,
I assured you that you were good, and that God would take you with open arms.
You shared with me your remorse over your drinking. Dad, you made it up to all
of us, and more than enough, and that has made a huge difference in all our
lives. I shared your experience with many detox patients who suffered remorse
about their families. You helped others without even knowing it. That is your
style, Dad: to make a BIG impact but to do it quietly!
Dads aren’t
just luxury options. It’s not easy to get along fine without them.
Through
e-mail a father sent me the following written by his son and sent to friends.
This
Also, if you know me at all, you know I am a thinker--an attempted theologian.
You know this blood runs in my veins…. Most
of the credit goes to two thinkers that came before me -- two of my personal
favorites and the two who have reached me the most: Father Michael Himes
(professor at
Dads aren’t
just luxury options. It’s a big help to have one.
Conclusion
A simple but expensive recipe
There are various recipes for being good fathers raising
good sons and daughters. One father and
mother had a very simple recipe. They directed their four sons to do volunteer
work in an animal shelter cleaning out dog and cat kennels (no pay). They got
their sons interested in socializing young puppies in preparation for
leader-dog programs for the blind. Simeon was one of those puppies (!) (no
pay). They encouraged their sons to tutor kids who were poor in mathematics (no
pay). As this mother and father rang
Salvation Army bells at Christmastime, they had their sons accompanied them by
playing Christmas carols, one with a guitar, another with a saxophone, a third
with a French horn and a fourth with a key board (no pay). What a simple recipe for raising unselfish
kids! It’s not infallible, but it’s far more likely to be successful than
buying your kid a car for graduation. In one sense it’s a lot cheaper, but in
another sense it’s very expensive; it presumes an unselfish spirit in one’s
self. An unselfish father hardly ever raises a selfish kid, for the apple
doesn’t fall far from the tree. (That old saw, too, isn’t infallible.)
Prayers of
the faithful for Father’s Day
From
all eternity God is a Father who begets a Son. When in the fullness of time
this Son came down to earth, He started out fatherless. But then He was given a
father in Joseph. It shows how vitally important fathers are in the divine plan
of things.
That fathers (and all of us) might resist the
culture which tries to make them luxury options. That fathers might rededicate
themselves to their vital importance… In peace, let us pray to the Lord.
Tiger
Woods’’s father, Earl Woods, died last
spring of prostate cancer. The great bonding between Tiger and his father was
universally known and admired. TV often showed how spiritually and emotionally
present Earl was to Tiger.
That fathers knee-deep earning a
degree or working for a promotion or seeking more creature comforts or simply
innocently engaged in something very important might know that nothing is so
important as being spiritually and emotionally present to a son or daughter… In peace, let us pray to
the Lord.
A
birthday card to me reads: “You are one of the few ordained that I address with
`father’ before your name. I guess it’s because often you shared your wisdom
and understanding of life as a father would or could. My Dad was a hard worker,
always steady and always faithful in his role. When I was a youngster he worked
the p.m. shift as a machinist at Gehl Co. in
That fathers might hear this pain and plea on
Father’s Day… In peace, let us pray
to the Lord.
Theodore M. Hesburgh, a priest of the Congregation of Holy Cross and President Emeritus of the
University of Notre Dame said, “The most
important thing that a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”
That fathers
might love the mothers of their sons and daughters… In peace, let us pray to
the Lord.
This
coming Tuesday, June 19, is the first day of summer--the day of the summer
solstice with 19 hours of light and only 5 hours of darkness.
That it might be a good summer for all of us,
lifting our human spirits with its light and warmth and re-creating our human
spirits for the labors that begin all over again on Labor Day… In peace, let us
pray to the Lord.
The
scenery is magnificent at early dawn along
That we and the city fathers might love our Mother the
Earth and be imbued with a sense of priority that puts people and dogs first… In
peace, let us pray to the Lord.
That all of us who wear a white rose today,
especially for a recently deceased father, might be consoled… In peace, let us
pray to the Lord.
That all of our deceased fathers, especially those recently
deceased, might rest in peace… In peace, let us pray to the Lord.