April Fools Edition Snakebites Roseville

Warning! If you are under 18 years of age or a railroader who is having less fun than you used to, THIS PAPER IS FOR
YOU! If you are an old, fuddy grandma or a narrowminded, noncritial thinker: SET THE SNAKEBITES DOWN NOW! Please
get up and leave the room before you develop overstimulation, stress, high blood pressure, or have a hissy fit. 

Editor, Perry White 

P.S. Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

The U.P. Titanic 

As I watch the Great Union Pacific founder and wallow in the congestion of its own making , I see a vision of the grand ,
unsinkable Titanic , in 1912 , with the string quartet playing on , sinking while denial and disbelief abound. The unthinkable has
happened . Reporter, Terri Langford says "The service crisis has cost Texas Companies $1.1 Billion and caused federal regulators
to declare a transportation emergency. Shippers have blamed the U.P.'s clumsy merger with the S.P.for the continued delays and
clogged routes, particularly in Houston, where U.P. owns 85% of the 200 miles of track" The federal Surface Transportation
Board set June 8 as the deadline for accepting new proposals to unsnarl the area. The year is 1998 and it feels like U.P. has hit an
iceberg. This Goliath is crumbling, seemingly without the time or leadership to save itself or the many businesses who relied on; "
We Will Deliver." The stockholders are suing; Uncle Phil is suing; the unsupplied shippers are suing; other railroads are suing;
endless numbers, even employees are suing. The law firms are celebrating this feeding frenzy. The federal government, Congress
and, the seldom decisive, Surface Transportation Board are next. They are not suing; they are dismantling, modifying, and altering
agreements with the U.P., thought to be untouchable. Yes, it's true; sometimes the Dragon wins! Although the Game is far from
over, this is the way it looks to me, from this angle, at this moment. Of course, that is just my opinion. I could be wrong. I
challenge anyone to give/send me his/her opposing views or alternative view, or agreement with my perspective. The best will be
published in the next SNAKEBITES. I don't like the view that I have described, so please send me yours at: sslater@psyber.com
or: Mark Chastain 146 Tierra Way Auburn, CA 95603 

P. S. Come on; do it! Send it! I wait with bated breath. P.P.S. Perry White, Lois, Jimmy, and Clark will review all returns.
P.P.P.S. "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." -- Mark Twain "If you can't convince them,
confuse them." -- Harry S. Truman


The U.P. Titanic has hit the same iceberg three times. I wonder if people are starting to believe the clean up is finished? Not in
this lifetime!! "Doubtless and "Clueless," the guys who found the latest "Hawthorne Special" are on their way to sunny Encinada. I
envy them. SNAKEBITES Rep., Clark Kent


For excellence above and beyond, this month's coveted award goes to switchman, Jim Feickert. The man we picked to be our
local president, and the one who does all our dirty work, (including filling the soda machine, gathering aluminum cans, reassuring
the forlorn, and distributing all the bad news). We honor Peacemaker Jim! This positive brother is now entitled the 100 free
cheeseburgers that Bob Pets passed on from the last issue's prizes, a return trip to Hawaii each year until Jim reaches age 62, or
and evening with Mark & Dan at the fabulous Purple Parrot Club of San Francisco (a very friendly, happening joint, where the
fellas come right up to meet you). Take your time and think it over carefully, Brother. Roseville Switchman, Mark Chastain


Dear Dan, I saw some neat hats & pins in the Yard. Where can I get them?

Brother Gubber, Great new hats & pins that celebrate old S.P. employees becoming new U.P. employees are available now from
Barbara Perry (992-8826) or direct from: World Class Embroidery Greg & Lisa Boam Phone: (461) 541-5474 fax: (541) 461-5428
It seems like the right thing to do. If you're still having fun, pay your respects to our new employer. Don't make them think that
you came from a second class railroad. Dan 

Dear Dan, I am offended, pissed! What the hay is the Griever's Dumbass Switchman of the month? I like the Excellent
Switchman Award much better than that piece of sh--t. Raging, Roseville Switchman

Dear J.K., An apology is in order. Perry White says he is almost sincerely sorry he let that piece slip past him. In the future, for
sensitive switchmen, the award will be renamed "The Switchmen's Mentally Challenged Award." Dan

Dear Dan, If a man is walking alone in the forest and he is talking, but a woman is not there to hear him, is he still wrong? F.M.

Dear Frankie, Of course, don't you know that statistics indicate the happiest marriages are ones in which the smart men learned
early to do what their wife asks. The rest of us learn this in our 3rd or 4th marriages. Dan

Dear Dan, The General Committees are unable to get problems corrected so ask the international for help. The UTU has a big
summit with the U.P. and its decided to set up a toll free hotline to field complaints. Naturally the complaints start flowing and
what does the UTU do with them? Why, they forward them to the General Committee and say "please handle". What can do ?
Sincerely, Worker Bee

Dear Brother Bee, I can think of two methods that might work. The first, is to send your request to The General Committees
without a return address. The second, and more proven method, is to ask your Griever for some of those little green smart pills he
always carries . I know they taste a lot like rabbit pellets and cause digestive problems, but by God , they work. And if they
haven't worked for you yet, you just have not taken enough. So take some more and soon you will see the light. Dan

The Scoundrels of CMS There are strange moves made in a boxcar's shade By those who switch on the lead Those rusted rails
have their many tales Whose repeating is a switchman's creed Their lantern lights have revealed foul sights But the worst they all
confess Is that empire run and unanswerable to none By those scoundrels in CMS

On new year's day I was working my way Through a variety of holiday cheer My job was annulled and my senses were dulled
When a ringing I began to hear Because of the drink I didn't think And I carelessly picked up the phone "Hello" I said then
immediate dread As I heard the callers tone

"I haven't a crew so I'm calling you "As a conductor on the hill "You'll take the call or I'll report y'all "So answer that you will
"Should you refuse then I'll accuse "You of missing a call you see "And I'm afraid there'll be UPGRADE "And your already on
level three

I stammered and stuttered, then slowly muttered As I broke into an icy sweat "Ya got it wrong pard, I work in the yard, "But this
call I'm willing to forget" "As you damn well know, I don't have to go "I'm not on the extra board Then I held my breath for I was
scared to death As I waited for his retort

"Your job's on the line, your ass is mine" There was evil in his voice "You'll report when I say or they'll be hell to pay "You really
don't have a choice. My vision went red when next I said "I am not taking any call. "You ignorant f_ck, don't press your luck And
the cord I yanked from the wall

A week I waited, my fears abated I thought that the incident died Then checking the mail I felt my heart fail As I a U. P. Letter I
spied My stomach churned and the letter burned My hands as I looked inside I became sick with dread as I slowly read "You are
hereby notified . . . "

The union pleaded that my case be ceded As the griever told me what he'd do "Don't worry kid, we'll put a lid "On this thing in a
day or two "I'll talk to the man and do what I can "To put the kibosh to this" "My only fear is if I hear "That this charge came from

His fear was confirmed as he soon learned CMS was behind this evil plot To punish my ass for having the brass To give'm what
they got. Level four was proposed, but I was opposed To waive my right to a hearing "I'm right and I know it, what's more I can
show it" This unjustness had me searing

The hearing day came and the accused was framed As the kangaroo court commenced The griever was outstanding in always
demanding They prove all the evidence "The tapes" he commanded "should all be handed "Over for confirmation "As they would
display to those here today "The accused's innocent affirmation"

"The caller also should be here to show "His part in this grisly mess "If he was here right now we would show how "The fault is
with CMS" The hearing officer snorted before he retorted "Your request is respectfully denied" "Let the record reflect, that we
object!" My layman lawyer cried

Our pleas unheeded, the hearing proceeded Justice was defiled. It was finally done, my senses were numb Now to wait the results
of the trial. "Its always the same" my griever complained. "For those who live by the sword "That hearing wasn't fair, but this I'll
swear "We'll win this at the board"

Back to work I went, my feelings spent While I awaited the final decision Three weeks went by 'fore the letter arrived Outlining
the super's position I couldn't wait to reveal my fate So the envelope I carefully tore And there in bold, the last line told "You are
upgraded to level four"

I know out there is a company somewhere Where discipline doesn't exist Where respect is given and employees aren't driven By
things that make them pissed But the culture here is intimidation and fear And to this I can attest You will surely lose if you ever
chose to cross those scoundrels in CMS

Switchmen's Poet Laureate L.B.Holder


Being aboard the Titanic was fun while it lasted. 

The Titanic set sail on time. 

The Titanic was adequately equipped and sufficiently staffed. 

The music was much better on the Titanic. 

The Titanic got better press. 

Twenty five percent of those aboard the Titanic managed to survive the >disaster. 

The Titanic was an accident. 

Someone tried to rescue the survivors of the Titanic. 

On the Titanic, the officers were the last ones to leave the ship. 

It did not require any action plans, Task Teams, or conference calls to >sink the Titanic. 

After the Government hearings, the Feds didn't make half of Cunards passengers ride a different steamship line. 

The Captain of the Titanic didn't get a bonus for sinking her.

Griever's Corner

Bigfoot Jones tells me that Pat Collins went above and beyond in retrieving the lost voucher so Brother Jones can pay his bills and
continue to grace us with his presence. Seems Collins went to the Post Office and picked up BF's mail as he was on duty and
managed to deliver in time to make a timely deposit. Kudos to Pat, who shoulda stayed a switchman when he still could. If UP
gets any more officers like that, they'll probably turn out OK after all.

Your Local Chmn. is not giving it up after all. In spite of many nasty and mostly true rumors, you're stuck with the Sarge until hell
freezes over or somebody else pisses me off.

No dumb-ass switchman of the month yet, but I'm still looking..........

Our former leader in the RV Yard, Jerry Lang, is headed for parts unknown (at least to most of us), that is East Texas. Good
Luck to ya, Jerry, You're gonna need it.

Starting a new list of acronym definitions:

UP------------------- Usually Parked Ugly Picture Uninformed PrimaDonna Unintentional Profits (feel free to add some more,
maybe we could have a contest and award a few more cheeseburgers or something) CMS------------------- Can't Manage Shit
Cover My Stupidity (and so on) Winter is almost over and the blossoms are trying valiantly to push a little pollen into the air. As
we try to dry out our so-called waterproof gloves (thanks, Jim) and hang up our rain gear, it's time once again to assess our
position in the universe and celebrate yet another season in the warm California sun. It wont be long before we start bitching about
the heat, the dust, the management(OOPS, that's not seasonal) and all the various discomforts of the switchman's craft. Maybe
this year we're gonna get a nice place to eat lunch. Maybe this year the company will teach Yardmasters how to speak English.
Maybe this year I can walk across the yard without wearing out my boots on crummy (or no) ballast. Maybe this year I can work
those great summer nights without having to stumble around in the darkness provided by the company's "lights". Oh, well. Maybe
next year.

I have run out of poetic wax, so I'll shut up for now.

Yer Loyal Correspondent,

Sgt Schultz

U.P. Plans Ahead Union Pacific announced plans to form a "plan execution" department. They have realized the problems they
have encountered in the past when they have failed to implement various plans. As of this time, the "plan execution" department is
still being planned and no date has been set to implement it. Sincerely , Committee Chairperson, Wally Darling

Mile Posts of Life At 2:00 pm. on April 25th, Mr. Gary Green and Ms. Diana Burch were married in a private ceremony. As a
symbol of their everlasting love starting its eternal journey, they each released a white pigeon. Gary inadvertently squeezed his
pigeon, resulting in an untimely discharge of moist foreign matter upon his black tux. I sincerely hope this is not an Oman of things
to come in his new married life. Best wishes still apply . Cub Reporter, Jimmy Olsen. U.T.U. Designated Legal Counsel = The
Crow Law Firm Don Britt and Jim Gillwee 800-445-2889 918-441-2980

Stone Burner Studio - 15971 Mt. Olive Rd. - Chicago Park CA. 95712 For an original gift that says you care !

The contents of SNAKEBITES are half-truths, downright lies, rumors and other non-fiction. Any resemblance to real life people
or situations is unintended. If anyone takes offense, they should take a pill, relax and think about getting a real life. SNAKEBITES
is an unofficial , extremely sporadic publication of the Roseville Switchmen and comes to you absolutely FREE. However, to be
removed from the mailing list will cost $100.00 Correspondence should be addressed to: SNAKEBITES 146 Tierra Way Auburn,
CA. 95603

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