Snakebites Presents: The Sports Page
Recently, one of our agents spotted former UP Vice President of Train
Operations Art Shoener skulking around the Omaha Doubletree Parking Garage.
Upon further research, it was discovered that he was never removed from the
UP payroll. Indeed, the latest rumor is that Uncle Art will soon be named
as the new coach and general manager of the Omaha "Golden Spikes"
(the Triple - A baseball team which is 51% owned by the Union Pacific
Railroad). We congratulate Coach Art and wish him and the Shoener
Cronies (you know who you are) well on this new project.
Our sources were able to obtain a copy of a secret memo which listed a number of innovations and changes that the new "Golden Spike" manager plans to implement. Some of these include:
1. The use of Renzenberger/Armadillo vehicles and drivers to transport the team to "away" games.
2. Expanding the first and third base coach boxes to permit the
simultaneous use of up to 16 coaches in each box (and each with their own
unique set of hand signals).
3. Use of AEI Scanners to track the base runners.
4. New score boards that will be able to display many maudlin statistics, including measurements (and corresponding graphs) which detail the velocity of the base runners, absentee records of the players, and how many hot dogs and beers are consumed, on a minute by minute basis.
5. New players may have to be on the payroll up to 3 or 4 years before they can reasonably expect to play the full season.
6. Substitutes magically appear after the twelfth hour.
7. Base lines will be double and triple lined in order to increase capacity.
8. The on-deck circle will be renamed appropriately as "limbo time" circle where the player is neither active nor resting.
9. Instead of practices, players will be required to attend long, drawn out team meetings where they will view detailed videos on how baseballs and bats are fabricated and how stadiums will be built in the future.
10. To increase productivity and reduce payroll costs, there will only be 7 players on the team
11. Fans will receive a buck fifty for not eating in the park.
12. In order to reduce dwell time on each base, all time not actually standing on the base will not be included in the total time at the base.
Assistant Managers and Vice-assistant managers include: Manager of Dug-outs, Manager of Field Operations, Manager of Player Utilization, Manager of Chalk Operations, Manager of Uniforms Carl Bradley, Manager of Batting (both on and off field) Jeff Verhaal, Manager of Player Pensions and Benefits Ron Burns, Manager of Parking, HDC (where we have lots of experience), Manager of ball cleaning operations (Julian Caldwell, also bat boy and team mascot), Manager of Scoreboard Operations Ron Quinley, Manager of Alcohol Concessions, Drew Lewis.
We understand that the new skipper plans on using "parties pay" arbitration to resolve all disputed calls (a factor that will likely delay the outcome of the games for up to two years). Also, in keeping with a time honored UP tradition, the score board programming will employ the use of =TL, which will provide the fans with the ability to guess the identity of each batter (as the lineups will always be incorrect). PLAY BALL!!!
WE GET LETTERS, Part 1
(This is just how we get ‘em. Honest!)
HEY BUDDY... I THOUGHT U MIGHT B INTERESTED N SOME PORTLAND SERVICE UNIT NEWS.... THE REV IKE N DICKIE BOY TRAVELING CIRCUS N FREAK SHOW MADE A PASS THRU EUGENE.. THE YARD THATS NOT A YARD.... THE BOYS WERE ON THEIR WAY TO THE PORTLAND ROSE FESTIVAL.. SOURCE REPORTED THAT THE EWE-PEE SPENT $20,000.00 ON URBAN RENEWAL AT THE ALBINA YARD... THIS WILL MAKE ALL THE LOCAL TREE HUGGERS HAPPY, THEY PLANTED SOME NEW GROWTH ALONG THE BUSINESS CAR SPUR........ BFD
(By the way, the same show rolled thru Roseville a day or so earlier. You wouldn’t believe it, but they spiked all the switches the “Big Yellow” traveled over just in case….brand new yard, right? Everything works great, right? Right!)
The 39 Flavors of Bullshit.
Just returned from the UTU regional meeting in Reno, Nev. I arrived Monday AM early enough to catch Charlie’s “webcast” speech. Sorry, Charlie, you don’t sound any better on the internet. By the way, you should have seen the cheering section. Every time C.L. made what he thought was a point, everyone in the first two rows jumped up and gave a standing ovation. This was to encourage the folks behind them to do the same. It worked on some stuff, not on others. I expected them to start a “wave” next. This kind of patently set up political BS is below most of the folks who attended. After being shoveled the same stuff for years, I’m surprised anyone could stay long enough to eat the rubber-chicken lunch and then be assaulted by yet another bureaucrat’s speech. I left before dessert. Our own General Committee met that afternoon and discussed the same old BS, interrupted by four or five commercials for competing FELA law firms. Don’t get me wrong. These guys do a good job representing our injured folks and we would be screwed without them. But, gimme a break, OK? I have enough pens and tablets to last a lifetime. If the amount of money and effort spent on these propaganda meetings were directed toward attacks at the carriers directly, we could all afford a vacation in Reno or anywhere else. The real issues remain unchallenged, the real battles are yet to be fought. The status quo remains…well, you know.
Our brothers and sisters in West Colton have been viciously attacked by the UP for working safely and following the rules. This is totally unacceptable. If this sort of treatment continues, we may have a legal case for harassment. Also, the FRA and other agencies might want to know just what the hell is really going on. (That would be a first!) I suggest we all support our brothers and sisters in the Southland. More to come…..
Our new super is, like all of us, a true believer in safety.
Guess that’s why he scheduled a safety blitz when all the key players
were out of town, heh? Those of us on the razor’s edge know
what safety is about. We’re waiting for the budget to catch up with
us. As always, work, eat and breathe safety. We all want
to collect our pension someday. And do it in one piece.
Look out for each other,
WE GET LETTERS, Part 2
I am with the SCRRA, which purchased about 150 miles of the old SP in
Los Angeles, on which the UP still provides freight service while we run
the commuter trains. Sometime in the last year or so SPINS was
replaced by ZTS, but not all tracks were numbered.
There are several tracks that we use for company material and work equipment that were dropped from the UP’s cyber-brain version of reality. So now we purchase carloads of wood ties and ask them to be delivered at one of these tracks. Can’t do it. No way. It is as if the track does not exist....which is exactly the case in the great yellow brain in Omaha.
Now what? For the cars already here we beg a plead and as a personal favor to wives and old friends, the local crew spots the car.
For our next order we check on the possibility of truck delivery.....how much more will it cost? Can we afford it?
No problem.....IT IS CHEAPER TO TRUCK THE TIES!
Just thought you would want to know why the highways are so busy.
Mike M., Los Angeles, CA
HEALTH ALERT, OMAHA (from a message in March, 2000)
The UP has been ordered by OSHA to do something about the epidemic of
BELLS PALSY in the Harriman center. I just went to work in the
BASEMENT and it stinks like old socks. Have UP employees been
intimidated in the past to keep information about sickness to
themselves? A-cards are here for dispatchers and one can only hope
they have the intelligence to go UNION because if there were a Unionized
force here now there would already be a walkout over the sick conditions
here. To get a similar experience just put a sock that has been worn
for at least 16 hours on your nose and keep it there for a shift.
That is the stench that emanates from the Harriman basement, permeates your
clothes and you take it home with you when your shift is over.
Now this stinkyassed building is suspect in the epidemic of facial paralysis. The statistics are – Incidence: Increased with age
Overall: 0.5 per year per 1,000
Age 20: 0.1 per year per 1,000
Age 80: 0.6 per year per 1,000
and we have 8/9 cases here in this dump. Would a UNION put up with this?
Please don’t use my e-mail name. These people are ruthless. They are Beelzebub himself. Thanks.
SOME SURE SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER
> All your kids are older than the new hires.
> It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
> No one expects you to run into a burning building.
> You don’t own a lantern or switch keys.
> There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
> You can’t remember not working days.
> You can live without sex but not without glasses.
> You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
> You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
> You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
> You write letters to Congress about 60/30.
> You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
> You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
> Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
> Your back goes out more than you do.
> Your ears are hairier than your head.
> Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
> Your secrets are safe with your friends, they can’t remember them either.
> Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
> Everyone else is planning for your retirement.
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