"Don't tease your sister! Quit making her scream! Do you want a spanking? Stop jumping on that bed! This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me. I’ll pull this car over! Children are starving and you won't eat? Finish your homework. This room looks like a pigsty. Turn that noise down! Don't get smart with me! Do I have stupid written all over my face? No TV! Why don't you just grow up? If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? I just can’t wait till you have kids of your own. BECAUSE I SAID SO!" If you’ve said at least three of those statements, you are definitely a parent. If you said three this week you need a vacation. If you’ve said all of them this week... you should seek professional help! Parenting is an acquired skill; it is not one that we are born with, and frankly is probably not a skill that we will ever master. Kids keep you running, keep you on your toes. It has been said that insanity is hereditary… you get it from your kids. But no matter how many times they ask why, no matter how many challenges they provide us, we still love them. It is always worth the effort of being a parent. The 5th Commandment deals with this parent/child relationship, a relationship which applies to each of us here, whether we are still at home with our parents or are empty-nesters. The one thing each of us has in common, married or single, young or old, is that we are all someone’s child. The Fifth Commandment stands as the hinge between our duties toward God and our duties toward others. Of all the commands it may seem the most pedestrian, nothing more than a simple demand for order in the home, for youngsters to show respect to those bigger and wiser than they. But this simple command is foundational to how we order society. As the first four Commandments detail the Covenantal bond with God, where we are told who to worship, how to worship, the manner and the time of our worship, the last five tell us how we are to relate to one another. But in between these we hear about how the family is to function, for in the home we have a world in miniature, an incubator where we first learn how to relate to God and others. This is true because the home is "a laboratory for living." It is within the home that each of us develop our formative character traits. This is where we all learn to discipline ourselves, where we develop our moral code. One learns, or fails to learn, how to live harmoniously within society in his or her home. Edith Schaeffer in her book, What Is A Family? says that: "...A family is a perpetual relay of truth...it is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living....where character traits are sculptured under the watchful eyes of moms and dads...where steel-strong fibers are woven into the fabric of inner constitutions." In an article about Marian Wright Edelman, founder of The Children's Defense Fund and a leading advocate for children, Mrs. Edelman says: "I do what I do because my parents did what they did and were who they were....I learned God's caring by watching my parents care for me and my sister and brothers and for others in our community....I learned that I could do more than complain about the wrongs in the world from my parents....In 1984 I went home for my mother's funeral and an elderly man asked me what I did for a living. I told him I do exactly what my parents did." Honoring our parents is a command, which we dare not ignore. This is one of the highest callings and the greatest tasks we face in life. There are two great tasks in life to which most of us are called. The first is the bearing and raising of children, to bring them from the absolute dependence of the womb, to the independence of adolescence, to the maturity of adulthood. The second is the caring for our own parents in their declining years as they move from independence to dependence once again, thus reinforcing the great truth of these commands: we are all dependent people.
What does this Commandment expect out of us? What does honor mean? The Hebrew word for "honor" in verse 16 means "to make heavy." How do you make your parents "heavy"? Some of us we do well on our own, but the connection in Hebrew between weightiness and honor is the same relationship we assign to someone when we say "they carry a lot of weight around here," or the warning not to take something lightly. It means to recognize and treat someone with the highest possible respect, to give him a position of authority. Just as the relationship with Yahweh is the beginning of the Covenant, so this relationship is the beginning of society, the inevitable point of departure for every human relationship. Just as there is honor and glory attributed to God the Father, the giver of life, there is to be honor to parents who serve as the channel of that life. For this reason, just as in the First Commandment we are told that God must be the priority, just as we are to take His name seriously, one’s response to parents is equally vital. Just as improper worship of God has ramifications on preceding generations, so an improper reverence of our parents affects our life in the Land. Honor forms the basis of obedience, but goes far beyond a child’s conformity to rules. Honor is the unsentimental moral nucleus for your relationship with your parents. While all else changes as you grow older, as you mature issues of obedience will be transformed, authority will mutate, but honor continues. The one thing is always true: You must honor them. Honor is not about the gaggy platitudes of a sentimental Mother’s Day card, even though she may love those things. Honor is a decision to treat them with dignity, courtesy. Who is to receive honor? Both parents are entitled to this honor. Based on the one-fleshedness of the marriage, because of the union where the two are made one, we must view parents as a unit. In Leviticus 19:3 this command is reiterated, but the order is changed to mother and father. This command does not say honor your father and tolerate your mother, if you think she’s a ditz. It does not say idolize mom and disregard dad since he’s a deadbeat. Nor does it make allowances for playing one off the other, as everyone of us does or tried to do when younger. This honor does not stop when we leave the house. The Commandment is directed more toward adult children than minors. This command has become exceedingly complex in a day of increased longevity, when social security income, nursing homes, and extended medical care for the elderly are so much a part of life. Governmental authority at various levels has often been given responsibility for this Commandment. For this reason those of us who are adult children must examine carefully how well they or their governmental surrogates are handling the above-noted characteristics of honor. According to a Gallup poll, 85% of Americans think it is the responsibility of adult children to care for their elderly parents. The same percentage said they would consider asking their parents when they were unable to live alone to move in with them. However 70% of the elderly say they have never received financial help from their children. We too easily take government assistance to the elderly for granted, but such programs are relatively new in American history. As recently as 1937, 45% of the elderly depended on family or friends for financial support. In 1944, 66% of Americans considered it the duty of children to support aging parents, and at that time between 30% and 40% of aged Americans were supported by their adult children. Yet by 1976, only 1% of senior citizens were receiving any regular income from family members. The obvious application of this passage is the stated relationship between children and parents. But as the Decalogue lays out the summary of the Covenant and is an exposition of God’s character and what He expects of us, from this Commandment flows all the laws regarding our response to all those in authority over us. It is for this reason the Westminster Larger Catechism defines "father and mother" as: ...Not only natural parents, but all superiors in age and gifts; and especially such as, by God’s ordinance, are over us in place of authority, whether in family, church, or commonwealth. As said earlier, it is in the home and from our parents we learn how to respect others who have authority over us. It is from this commandment that Paul in Romans 13 commands that we are to submit to governing authorities. 1. Everyone must submit himself to
the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has
established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. What about dishonorable people? While it is certainly easier to honor honorable people, the sins of those in authority does not nullify their God-given position of authority. This is true of those in government, people who are often the objects of Christian disdain, but who should be treated with the respect due to their office. It is also true of our parents who did not assume that position through any other means than God’s appointment. We must differentiate between the position and the person. Honor does not entail blind obedience, but an attitude and action which, while not condoning ungodly actions, still treats them respectfully. One important way to honor your parents is to forgive them, to stop demanding that they achieve a status of perfection that is possible only by your Heavenly Father. For some of you this forgiveness is hard; perhaps your parents were unloving, harsh, or even abusive. How can you honor a monster? For them, honor is being reconciled to their faults, their sins and then forgiving them. Ron Mehl, in his book, The Tender Commandments, shares that his own father abandoned him when he was a little boy. He and his siblings were raised by his mother and when Ron reached adulthood he sought out his biological father. After several months of a nationwide search, he finally found him living in a little run-down apartment in Burnsville, Minnesota. After awkward hugs and small talk Mehl's father looked into the eyes of his son and said, "I know you can never forgive me." Mehl replied, "I guess you really don't know me...how could I NOT forgive you? If the Lord has forgiven me and doesn't hold anything against me after all I've done, how could I ever hold anything against you? Dad, I don't know everything about the past and I don't want to. But I do forgive you." When he said those words tears sprang into his father's eyes. Mehl said, "I could almost hear the sounds of a key being turned in a lock and a jail door swinging open. I remembered the Lord's words, 'The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted and to proclaim LIBERTY to the captives.' (Luke 4:18) I could see in [my father's] eyes that he experienced RELEASE in that moment....and I did too....an area of my heart had been tucked down in the bottom of a deep freeze....and after that moment the frost melted. Six months later my father passed away." What is the benefit? Quantity of life The first benefit listed here is that honoring one’s parents results in living long in the land. Growing up, I remember it being impressed upon me that disrespect could result in a decreased life expectancy. But there is a correlation between the stability of the home and one’s life. The presence or absence of a father who receives respect has been shown to greatly affect children. Sociologists point out that most social problems in America can be directly traced back to fatherless homes. Two-thirds of convicted rapists, three-fourths of adolescent murderers and three-fourths of long term prison inmates grew up without a father in the house. A recent (1996) Gallup poll revealed that 79% of Americans agree with this statement: "The most significant family or social problem facing America is the physical absence of the father from the home." 91% said that "It is important for children to live in a home with both their mother and father." And yet, half of America’s children live apart from one or both of their parents. Some have regarded this promise as more of a threat, as if it said, "Watch out, because if you don't honor your parents, God will wipe you out at an early age." After all, Exodus 21:17 warns that "Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death." So, is God's mention of "long life" a promise or a threat? Probably both. The general rule of life is that unruly children will tend to have shorter lives. Their downward spiral of disobedience and rebellion, if not corrected by parents, may well lead to abuse of drugs and alcohol, sexual immorality and disease, violence, or psychological problems. On the other hand, respectful children will, in general, live longer lives. That is why Proverbs 4:10-13 says, "Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. . . . Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life." Proverbs 6:20-23 adds, "My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching ... For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life." Quality of life As this command is repeated from Exodus 20, the phrase is added: "that it may go well with you..." which clarifies what kind of life will be lived. The honor given to parents, the strong family structure, not only may give length to one’s life, but enjoyment as well. For those of you boomers out there, we will comprise the largest elderly group in history. Not only that, the generation which follows us is significantly smaller. Pragmatic economics will play a tremendous role in the growing acceptance of euthanasia as the sheer number of retirees in the future and the smaller base of contributors into the Social Security retirement system will mean that the younger generation could see 40-60% income going to care for the elderly. Remember, those are the same kids who have grown up largely on their own, whose parents lived self-consumed lives and treated their own parents with disdain. Once there was a little old man. His eyes were clouded and his hands trembled; when he ate he clattered the silverware distressingly, missed his mouth with the spoon as often as not, and dribbled a bit of his food on the tablecloth. Now he lived with his married son, having nowhere else to live, and his son's wife didn't like the arrangement. "I can't have this," she said. "It interferes with my happiness." So she and her husband took the old man gently but firmly by the arm and led him to the corner of the kitchen. There they set him on a stool and gave him his food in an earthenware bowl. From then on he always ate in the corner, glancing back at the table with wistful eyes. One day his hands trembled more than usual, and the earthenware bowl fell and broke. "If you are a pig," said the daughter-in-law, "you must eat out of a trough." So they made him a little wooden trough and he got his meals in that. These people had a four-year-old son of whom they were very fond. One evening the young man noticed his boy playing intently with some bits of wood and asked what he was doing. "I'm making a trough," he said, smiling for approval, "to feed you and Mom out of when I get big." The man and his wife looked at each other for a while and didn't say anything. They then went to the corner and took the old man by the arm and led him back to the table. They sat him in a comfortable chair and gave him his food on a plate, and from then on nobody ever scolded when he clattered or spilled or broke things. As with all the Commandments, we must not image that obedience yields merely a temporal benefit. The benefit mentioned here of prosperity in the land points to the central nature of the Covenant itself. Honor of parents is directly tied to the benefit of continuity of the Gospel from one generation to the next. In the preamble to this second reading of the Law, Moses reminds the people in 4:40: "Keep his decrees and command, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the Lord your God give you for all time." The land was but a shadow of eternal life. The believers in Israel understood that; they knew that God’s grace extended beyond dust and dirt to a city in Heaven. The honor given to parents is a response of gratitude for God’s grace given to us. The way in which you honor your parents indicates in a tangible fashion your honor of God. At the core of the Covenant is God’s promise not to individuals, but to families. God’s promises are to move from one generation to the next, but for this to happen there must be a receptive audience. If children did not honor their parents and were rebellious and self-centered, they would not be able to learn about the Covenant relationship with God. They would be excluded from the land, from eternal life itself, for they would be rejecting the work of God in Christ on their behalf. Honoring our parents, training our children to show that respect, is more than teaching them to behave well in public and say please and thank you. It extends far beyond common morality. Honor gets to the heart of a relationship with Christ that is central to the Gospel; it is foundational to the Covenant. The command for each of us to honor our parents is a command not solely for public morality and to secure our own safety. What lies behind here is the transference of the saving knowledge of Christ death, burial and resurrection from one generation to the next. Those of you here today who are still at home, your honoring of your parents finds its greatest point when you take seriously the Christian faith, when you make their faith yours and no longer rely on their faith as sufficient for yours. The promise of the Gospel is found here, in something so small, so seemingly insignificant, as simply honoring those God has placed over you. There is a famous legend pertaining
to the untimely end of England's Richard III who was defeated at the Battle of Bosworth
Field in 1485 by Henry, Earl of Richmond. The story goes that on the morning of the battle
Richard sent a page to make sure his favorite horse was ready. Well, apparently the
blacksmith had used most of his iron in shoeing the horses for the rest of Richard's army
and when he told the page he would need time to get more iron, he was told there was no
more time, that he would have to make due with the little iron that he had on hand. "For want of a nail, a
shoe was lost....for want of a shoe, a horse was lost... Something as simple as honoring your parents may seem as insignificant as a solitary nail in a shoe, but the ramifications are tremendous. Whether they be seated next to you or no longer living, the thankful honor that is their due must never be ignored. |
