As a GenderQueer individual, I occupy that gray space that is neither male nor female. I love and yet fear to tread in that undefined space: the space where I am alternatively Sir or Ma'am in the same conversation, the space where a panhandler asks "Sir, do you have a quarter <pause> Ah, Ma'am, do you have a quarter? <longer pause> Ummm... whatever you are, do you have a quarter?" But I never knew how successful I was in walking the tightrope that is strung between and around and through gender until I applied for my passport for an upcoming trip to Japan.

I had my passport pictures taken while I was at this year's True Spirit Conference. Walked into Kinko's in my usual shirt, tie, v-neck sweater, jeans, boots and short haircut and chatted it up with the gay guy taking passport pictures (he read me as butch dyke; most everyone at the conference read me as FTM... interesting how who sees us determines what gender we are at that moment.... but I digress). He took a terrific picture of me. It was about as far from the mug shot those pictures so often are as it could be. I was thrilled by it, amazed at how gender neutral I appeared, how relaxed, how comfortable with myself, and all in a 2" by 2" space.

A few days later I went off to Bryn Mawr College to speak on a panel about gender. And I had an opportunity to share my fears about traveling to a foreign country because of this picture, and because of my reluctance to check either the "M" box or the "F" box on forms. I wasn't sure what my gender would be the day the Customs official would see when I stood in front of him with a passport that was going to say "F" on it.

So I put off applying. But not for long. I didn't have long I could wait. I finally drove to a passport office near my house in New Jersey, presented myself, my pictures, my filled out application, my original birth certificate, my driver's license and my checks for the associated application and processing fees. I had reluctantly checked off the "F" box on the form. Reluctantly because a) I hate pinning down my gender to one or the other though threaten my life or make me fill out an official government document and I'm likely to pick my birth gender and b) because that picture didn't look anything like what society would think an "F" looked like.

certificate on hand (the one on old fashioned paper with a raised seal and a big "F" in the sex box), what should appear in the "sex" field on my passport but an "M"! Yep. No need for testosterone, expensive surgeries, doctors' notes, official name changes or anything. According to the government I'm now an "M", not an "F".

And of course I'm not so sure I want to get them to change it.

It may have been the best $65 I ever spent. Or it may be the start of my worst nightmare. I'll find out soon enough. I don't think our government officials want to receive a letter that says, "Dear Sir: Please amend my passport to show the gender that "matches" my genitalia, even though I find that very idea to be incredibly self-limiting and revolting" so I'm not sending one. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that all the Customs agents I meet in my travels see the person that Passport Agency clerk saw and not the lesbian much of the world thinks I am.