I remember as a child that 3 aspects of my self identity coalesced at nearly the same time. All of them were dangerous, subversive, and something that I instinctively knew I couldn't - shouldn't - share with anyone save for my closest confidantes - and even they were suspect. The three things? 1st that despite my female body I knew I was, in fact, a boy. 2nd that I was attracted to girls. 3rd that I liked power, control, domination & tying up little boys and girls and interrogating them during cowboys & Indians or Army games. Little did I know the impact those discoveries would have on my life.

Over the years those three discoveries have presented themselves in a variety of ways. At the age of 12 I came out as a dyke because I had no idea that I could transition to live as a man. Being a butch dyke was a way of being the truest to myself - masculine and with girls as the objects of my desires. At the age of 20, I began actively exploring my interests in SM and D/s and came to be educated largely by gay leathermen. At the age of 31, when the lie of living as a butch didn't serve me anymore, I transitioned to manhood.

The intersection of my identities as a man and as a leatherman is a most intimate one - one that began long before I ever transitioned.

I was always a butch thing - hell I looked like Opie from Mayberry RFD when I was a kid all towheaded and freckled, with short hair, and a boyish demeanor. As I grew older and came out in the mid-70's, being butch was bad. But I did it anyway - I couldn't be any other way. In the early 80's when I began my journey into leather, I found a place where suddenly my butchness was not only ok, but it was revered, admired, and desired. I could use male identifiers like Sir and Daddy and no one looked askance. It was not only accepted but expected and understood. I felt like I had found a home of sorts.

The ironic thing was that despite my inner turmoil, I was a successful stone butch dyke Daddy. I was sought after as a play partner, I was well considered as a Top, I was told I was attractive (even though I never believed it), hell, I even managed to win the IMsL title in March of 1994. [author’s note: despite widespread rumors to the contrary, I did not resign the title to transition. I resigned the title in September 1994 due to an internal political controversy with the then Board of Directors] Even with the successes, I never felt fully a part of the club. I never felt particularly supported by the leather dyke community, never felt safe harbor there.

In about February 1995 my then lover and I were talking one night about a trans friend of ours. She remarked to me that another friend of ours had asked her "so Spencer is pretty much a guy huh?" to which she had answered yes. Suddenly, all my pent up desires found a voice and I finally escaped the gilded cage. I asked my lover if she realized that I was a man and if she was ok with that. She said yes she did, and that she was, and that I should do whatever I needed to do about it for me. So in March of 1995 I started down this path of transition from FTM. By November of 1995 I had been on hormones for 6 months, had chest surgery and felt pretty damned complete and awfully happy.

As easy as my transition was in terms of living as a man, being recognized as one, and as lucky as I am to have a tremendously supportive network of family and friends, there were some interesting adjustments in going from leather dyke to leather man. For one, my play changed. As a man, it was fairly well expected that I, as the Top, would be getting off sexually and if my bottom was lucky, he or she would as well. I found freedom with my body and my sexuality and a whole world of sensations opened up to me. I discovered that I really did like being touched, so long as my partners saw me and treated me as a man. I discovered that my sexuality was more fluid than I had previously thought and that I really enjoyed playing with men, trans and not. I discovered that despite my fears that there wouldn't be queer, kinky, femme women who would want to play with or date me, that there were plenty of them and that our play didn't look like what lesbian play looked like, nor did it look like the play I saw het male tops and female bottoms engaging in it was something different altogether. I saw myself and my history vilified in some circles - people who have expressed that I should be treated as if I never won the IMsL title - and celebrated in other circles - by those who have honored