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By
Rich Jentzen
The seeds of this article about Domestic Violence (DV) were
initially planted when Lindsey McBride spoke to some staff at
Howard Brown Health Center about DV in the queer
community. I am a licensed social worker in the Primary
Care setting at the Center. In addition to my work in
Primary Care, I also co-facilitate the
Transgendered/Transsexual Support Group and provide
psychotherapy for LGBTQ clients.
How is DV different in queer communities? Further, how
is it different in transgendered communities?
Domestic Violence is not a fun topic. It doesn't warm
the heart. It is a bit scary. And, sometimes, it
happens in our own homes. As a optimist, I like to think
of violence as something that happens "out there" to
others. Occasionally, as a queer activist I'm forced to
reckon with the violence of this world expressed by those
"out there" showing their hatred to me or my
community. But there is something sad and painful about
acknowledging that violence happens within my own
community. More heartbreaking is the fact that violence
happens in the context of relationships that are supposed to
be loving, supportive and affirming.
Because of all of these reasons, it is easy to ignore the
problem of DV. It is easy to "keep the
secret". Community activists and health care
professionals have struggled with the notion of talking about
DV as it relates to the queer community. Nobody likes to
talk about unpleasant or unkind things happening in a
community that is already oppressed with homophobia/transphobia.
Even some leaders in the DV field do not like to talk about DV
happening in relationships where men are not the perpetrators
and women are not the victims. But reality compels us to
acknowledge that domestic violence happens in all types of
relationships: men hit women; women hit men; men
belittle their F2M partners; F2M's emotionally castrate the
men they are with; and often this violence happens in front of
children.
When discussing this with a dear, respected, and intelligent
friend of mine he queried how much of this happens in the F2M
community, pondering that it probably happens more with M2F
sex workers. I pointed out the sexism and classism of
this statement. The problem with his statement, I
continued, was not that it was politically incorrect… the
problem was that it was factually incorrect!
Sadly, there is not a lot of research to document the current
state of DV in queer communities. However, volumes of
research clearly indicate that DV happens in all
communities: poor, rich, young, old, religious and
athiests, white, black, latino, asian, childless and with
children, substance users and abstainers. If we cannot
allow ourselves to recognize DV in our community, then we have
little possibility of preventing DV in our community.
Once we realize that not all perpetrators look alike, we're
forced to look at what ways does "our" community
experience DV differently? Consider the following
scenarios. When Sally attempts to have sex with her
partner Steve, a pre-op F2M, is it violence if she inserts her
fingers in his vagina (especially if Steve has talked about
not wanting to use his vagina in this way)? When Jim and
Todd, both F2M's who have had top-surgery, are drinking, Todd
gets very jealous of Jim and hides his "package"
before they go out to the bars. Is this emotional abuse,
and therefore DV? Jeremy has decided that he is F2M, but
still hasn't begun to use hormones. His partner, Sue,
tells her sister that Jeremy is "on the rag" when
Jeremy is menstrating. Is that abuse? Timmy's mom
tells her boyfriend that Timmy (age 16) is really a
girl. She does this even though she has heard her
boyfriend make very homophobic/transphobic comments in the
past. Is this a form of domestic violence? Child
abuse?
What other types of abuse should we consider as we assess for
violence in the homes of transgendered adults? This
article is intended to be the beginning of a conversation…to
spark some dialogue… and to urge all individuals to work for
peace and tolerance in our relationships.
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There are many ways to victimize people. One way is to
convince them that they are victims.
- Karen Hwang
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can
be changed until it is faced.
- James Baldwin
My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late and night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
Just don't ask me what it was
I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk too loud
Maybe it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act too proud
They only hit until you cry
And after that you don't ask why
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
You just don't argue anymore
Yes I think I'm okay
I walked into the door again
Well, if you ask that's what I'll say
And it's not your business anyway
I guess I'd like to be alone
With nothing broken, nothing thrown
Just don't ask me how I am
Just don't ask me how I am
Just don't ask me how I am
- Suzanne Vega, from the album
"Solitude Standing" (1987, A&M Re cords)
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