Hey all,

It's another form letter. Exciting, eh? I thought so! Well, I did keep my appointment with Dr Patterson on Feb 3 1995--the endocrinologist in Madison evaluating me for hormones. Sharon decided that she wanted to come along--both for emotional support as well as to be able to ask questions.

When we arrived, I was suprized to find out that Patterson was a DO rather than an MD. I was actually encouraged by this, since so many MDs don't know what the hell they are talking about, and DOs are more likely to look for healthier options and don't try to fix everything with drugs.

The office staff was incredible! Since Patterson sees so many transgendered people, he's had to train the staff to be considerate of individual needs. I was really impressed with how understanding and respectful ALL of the staff was--everyone from the receptionist, to the lab tech, to the billing clerk, to his nurse. Each new person double checked to see what I wanted to be called, and some of them teased that sometimes they weren't sure which way people were going! :)

OK, so what happened? The nurse--cheryl--brought me back to an exam room, did the basic stuff like check my weight, blood pressure and pulse. She explained to me a bit about what would be happening that day, as well as some basic things about what would most likely happen on the next visit, etc. She was "training" a new nurse, so she would occassionally talk to the other nurse about normal proceedures for patterson's transgendered patients. As it turns out, I was the new nurses FIRST TG patient! :) Both nurses were really laid back, relaxed and were very comfortable to talk with and be with.

They left, and soon Patterson came in the room with just the new nurse (mary). He looked as I had expected--a man in his late forties, possibly fifties, greying hair, somewhat slight to medium build, and an incredibly soft/gentle disposition. He shook my hand, we all sat down, and he started asking basic medical questions. Since I have some immune system problems, he asked some very specific questions, and wanted my ok for him to call my rheumatologist and pulmonologist (which I agreed to). He then asked questions about how long I have been involved with Pathways/Gretchen. He seemed surprized that I had started seeing Gretchen over 5 years ago (although it hasn't been a constant thing). He was also glad to hear that I've been officially in the Program for over a year. He then gave us a chance to ask questions, before going on to the physical exam.

The physical exam was fairly complete, and was probably the most humane, most sensitive, most respectful experience I've EVER had with a doctor. I felt surprizingly comfortable with him! Nothing terribly exciting about the exam, except that he found some benign looking cysts on my cervix, so I'll need to get that checked out. Following the exam, Sharon wanted to ask him some more questions.

Some things Patterson didn't have the best of answers for, but was intrigued and would look into her inquiries. Other things he gave pretty good and complete answers to. He didn't seem rushed, like many physicians are. He was more than willing to answer as many questions as either of us had.

He told me that if the bloodwork came back OK, and if he didn't hear anything negative from my other docs that we'd be set to begin hormones!!

The labtech was really cool and was telling me stories of some of the strange social things that have happened with some transgendered patients (like a MTF that was told to come back for a pap smear!). [She had the coolest latex gloves too! Geez, I'm gonna have to learn to control my libido! First the dentists office a few months ago, now having my blood drawn! What's a boy to do!?!]

I made an appointment to come back on Thursday Feb 9, 1995 to meet with Cheryl and learn how to do my own injections!

I was really psyched up after getting out of the office! I was so happy that this was actually happening!!!

Part 2!

On thursday, February 9, 1995, I drove to Madison (this time by myself) to meet with Cheryl--Dr. Patterson's nurse--to learn how to do my injections! I had expected for it to be a rather brief interaction, like 15 minutes... but it turned out to be an hour and a half!

Cheryl really likes FTMs! She commented that she wore a skirt just for me! So she could better show me where to inject!!!, as well as for me to be able to inject *her* with saline if I wanted/needed to "practice" on someone else first! :) (And she *did* lift her skirt to show me exactly where to inject!!!)

She was a bit frazzled at first, since Dr. Patterson hadn't written out the prescription for the hormones! So, after tracking him down, he came in, told me that the Pap smear and all the bloodwork came back normal--then wrote the script for 200mg/1cc depo-testosterone (ethanate) IM. Cheryl sized up my leg and left to get a bunch of needles and a few syringes (as well as the one filled with the good stuff!), and everything else we'd be needing.

When she came back, we talked a bit about what to expect and how soon some changes would happen. She told me about some of the new changes in the law re: depo-testosterone... namely that it is now classified as a "Class 4" drug, ie a controlled substance. So, rather than distributing in a vial (that would last about 5 months), the pharmacy could only release 1 month's supply at a time. This now becomes more of a financial and logistical issue,since most pharmacies don't or won't stock testosterone since it IS a controlled substance (at least this is what is true in Wisconsin). SO, now I'll have to be at a place were I can have a UPS delivery made once each month (as well as pay for shipping as well as the drug, which is now almost 3X the price than when sold in the draw-your-own-vial). Ah well! The pharmacist in Madison is going to see if there can be special arrangements made for me (and other FTMs), since we are using it for "legitimate" medical reasons, not for pumping up!

Anyway, Cheryl had brought back an empty syringe and many needles. It was rather silly, but she had me open several packages of needles and pop them onto the syringe, take them off, etc. Very simple. She then went over the basic procedure with me. Starting from washing my hands, setting everything out on a clean surface (the prefilled-syringe, needle, alcohol wipe, and 2X2), choosing an appropriate spot on my leg, wiping it down with alcohol, letting it dry, attaching the needle to the syringe, uncapping the needle, and shooting! We then went over, actually in GREAT detail, about where exactly were the ideal places to shoot on each thigh. There is a guy who she had to deal with recently who just wouldn't/didn't listen carefully to where the needle has to go! She then talked to me about the potential for hitting a blood vessel, and that the way to check is by drawing back on the syringe after it's inserted (so, obviously there would be blood being drawn into the syringe if it were in a vessel). She also warned me that on occassion, some FTMs report having bumped a nerve and not to be alarmed if this happens (since the sensations should die down in time).

Before I knew what was going on, my pants were down around my knees and we were actually going to do this! I had been a bit nervous about actually having to stick a needle into myself... and still was quite nervous, yet somehow very calm. I was so excited about the experience, and have wanted this for so long, that my nervousness was relatively under control. We (I) determined the injection site and wiped it down with alcohol. My hands were slightly shaking as I slipped the needle (22 guage, 1.75" long)onto the syringe. We got the air bubble up to the plunger, and uncapped the needle. I sat there poised with the needle in my hand, perpendicular to my thigh.... I just COULDN'T (for a few seconds) stick the needle into my thigh! Finally Cheryl moved her hand, as if to assist me... and I decided that I wanted to do this by myself, so I took the plunge! To both of our surprise, I was met with resistance before fully inserting--she just smiled and said that we must have hit bone (and that she would get me 1.5" needles instead to bring home!). I backed out the needle a bit, pulled back on the syringe to find no blood... took a deep breath and slowly started pushing the HIGHLY VISCOUS testosterone into my leg.

After a good 15 seconds, I finally very slowly removed the needle... I DID IT!!!!!!! All I could do was slump back in my chair, some how both exhausted and exhilerated at the same time! I was SO VERY EXCITED!!! I left the office that day feeling so wonderful, so free! That night was the monthly meeting of our FTM group. In the middle of group, I started getting VERY WARM! My first hot flash! :) I hadn't expected ANY reaction or change from the first shot. As it turns out, I've been experiencing hot flashes each night that last from about 6:30pm to about 9:00pm. Also, to my surprize, I went to the men's room following group to be quite surprized at the change in my urine. It really shocked me that there was already a difference in smell! Wow! I was strangely freaked out.

Fortunately my good friend Eliot was there to reassure me that this was normal and that this was indeed a good thing! :) As were the muscle soreness/stiffness in my shoulders.  

On Friday morning, for the first time in probably 3 years, I woke up feeling awake and refreshed. I wasn't tired or sluggish. I woke up and actually WANTED to get out of bed!!! :) Each morning since the first injection, I've been feeling this way! I've also had a bit more energy throughout the day, which has been a great relief to me since I tend to get easily fatigued.

I had been concerned that I might change my mind after doing the first shot. I'd been concerned that I would feel unable to inject myself. I'm not concerned any more. I feel so good. This feels so right! I still think it will take a bit of time to get used to sticking a needle in my thigh each 2 weeks, but I think I'll manage!

My next shot is on thursday feb 23, when I'll be in Northridge CA for the International Congress on gender and sex. I have a special note from my doc so that I can fly with needles and syringes! Now I'll just have to find a helpful FTM attending the conference, or draft Gretchen into being with me for the actual injection!! It would be a good "learning experience" for Gretchen!! :)

I'm very excited about the changes in my life, and am looking forward to the physical changes from the hormones.

So, this is part #2.

From OutlawGal@aol.com Wed Feb 15 09:34:07 1995
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From: OutlawGal @aol.com
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::softly::

You sound soooooooo good darlin. I am so proud of you.

K

From OutlawGal@aol.com Wed Feb 15 09:34:09 1995
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::shaking my head::

You are an amazing writer. Best FTM stuff I've seen in a long time. I hope you're keeping all this, and that you're seriously thinking of doing something with it.