(I started on testosterone in February of 1995.  This was written several months after being on testosterone.)

From: Michael Munson <dmmunson@earth.execpc.com>
Subject: decisions
To: LCub
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 1995 03:03:03 -0500 (CDT)
Cc: hcphi002
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i wanted both of you to know that while on vacation i made quite a few very major decisions. both of you can probably make a pretty accurate guess as to what these decisions are... but i'm gonna tell ya anyway!

i've been realizing how much i hate my identity as 'doreen' and 'female'.  ...and while i may never be a fully-functioning male-born-male, i think i am happier living my life as a male gender outlaw than a female genderfucker.  i love the effects of the hormones on my body.  i still tingle when i hear someone call out "hey michael".  the hair on the back of my neck still perks up when i hear male pronouns in reference to me. i have slowly realized that i want to end up in the male circle and be an outlaw from that box/label/pigeonhole.  i'm still not sure what being a man with tits means to me... but that's something that i'm sure i'll figure out in time.   What i think i have figured out is that i want the world to see me and interact with me as a male. ---- So, in short, i've decided (and am about 95% certain) that i am going to come out at work, going to tell my parents (and then, the rest of my family), and make a legal name and gender change. ---- Gulp. To put it lightly, i'm scared shitless and more excited than i've ever been in my life.  I'm going to do the telling to both my employers and family in writing, then set up time to talk.  I'm pretty sure that ICF won't fire me... and if they decide to fire me, they'll do it quickly (and then i'll proabably sue 'em for discrimination).  I'm planning on being fairly brief and straightforward with ICF; i don't expect problems. With my parents, i've decided that i'm going to try to  butter them up, try to make them feel good about themselves, try to let them know that this is the last of the string of my secrets and skeletons, try to give them a little power by letting them be part of the choice of how to tell the rest of the family (since i don't have an agenda or strong preference for telling the others in my family).  I want to tell them in writing because then they can't push my buttons and get me so flustered that i can't answer/respond honestly or accurately.  I've also decided to possibly include a "top 10 list" within the letter, addressing the questions that i think will be their most major concerns and the questions that i'm more fearful they will ask (and that i'll stumble over if they ask me verbally).  I want them to know that i've thought this out; that this is not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants decision; that this is part of why i've been in therapy off and on since i was in junior high school.... etc. I'm REALLY concerned and VERY scared that my parents will drop me, cut me off.  Emotionally, i'd be devastated (even though they are fuckheads)....and Financially, i'd be screwed (and have to figure out a way to get through my 16 month lease at a rent rate that would be nearly impossible for me to afford.... let alone not having any way of covering my healthcare costs which would no doubt increase if/as i tried to work more hours).  My parents, my father, in particular, is rather altruistic, as well as caring far too much about 'doing the right thing' and concerned about what the neighbors will think... that i really doubt that they would tell me they didn't want to see me again.  I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY SCARED about telling them..... but i'm also increasingly fearful about going out to dinner/public with them, as more and more people perceive me as male and they see me as female. I need to remember to not be codependent.  I need to be strong in who I am, what i want, and just tell my parents how things are.      My desires to express myself as male, as well as my increasing desire to let my sideburns start growing (and grow a 'stache as soon as i'm able)...have become stronger than my fear of their reaction(s).  The legal changes (and subsequent changes in all records) is fairly simple and will easily fall into place.  This, i see as just a formality and a couple of low hung hoops to jump through. As for a time-table, i am aiming to tell ICF (my bosses, at least) probably the week after the 4th of July.  I'm guessing that I'll be trying to get my letter to my folks together by mid-to-late July.  After getting through the ordeal of telling them, dealing with potential fall-out, et al, i'll file for the court-ordered name change (probably some time in august) and the court date will most likely be 4-6 weeks following the official filing (september/october). i feel like things are moving really quickly... much more quickly than i ever expected.  As Kate has said many times to me.... things happen..... "longer than you want, sooner than you expect" you'll both probably be hearing both exciting news from me, as well as potentially a lot of stress and anxiety.  i hope i don't bore you with my ramblings... but ya both know that you can tell me to just shut up and i will! So... these are my decisions... whaddaya think?? michael